later.

how come that it is often only in retrospect that we realize that a period of our life was actually rather good? or are we simply erasing from our memory the unpleasant parts and are embellishing that which was?
on the other hand some periods of my life have been so painful that i see only now how much of my feelings i had to repress in order to remain at least half functioning. funny how one can sometimes feel the real pain and despair only decades later. when my mother died i didn´t feel anything. well, yes, go course i must have felt something, but i completely totally repressed all feelings immediately. it did help me cope and survive the immediate aftermath of this event. but then gradually my inability to feel what had happened and this half-grief started poisoning my life. every relationship i had was ruled by fear of loss and a huge gaping sadness. and every parting of a partner, even for a couple of hours, gave me panic attacks. even though i was rationally aware that my feelings were hugely exagerated and totally misplaced, i couldn`t help having them.
It is only now, 23 years later (!) that i am beginning to couple the right feelings with the right events and persons …. and that i realize what a terrible sadness i must have had inside of me that i just could´t allow to let out, or it would have killed me.