L.o.T. part 3 video / what if

part 3 of the Layers of time project videos. 


1987, trip to N.Y., Boston and New England.

 this picture is taken in front of the apartment buidling we lived in in 1974/75, in Brookline, Massachusetts near Boston, while my Dad studied at Harvard. It had a swimming pool on the roof ... which I remember well. And while we were living there our car got stolen. That also I remember. Going to the parking with my Dad and the car not being there.

My brother, me, Mom. Boston.


_______________________________

What if ....
..... she had taken different decisions ....  would things had been different ? Would the outcome have been different? What if my Mom had decided to take action instead of enduring the situation? Would we have been unhappy (unhappier ....), would she have stayed with my Dad, would she have changed her life?
Of course things would have been different. I played and re-played that scenario a million times. What if, instead of being ill and suffering and not talking about what was really important, she had taken a very deep breath and talked. Talked openly about what was bothering her. About the betrayals she felt she had suffered. About her disappointments and her fears.
Maybe she had never learned to do so and honestly didn´t know how. Maybe it´s a problem the entire WW2 children generation has. But maybe she also lacked the courage to do sth. which would have upset the image she wanted to project to the outside. Maybe talking about things that were obviously wong meant failure for her.

Maybe in some other universe she did take different decisions .... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everett_many-worlds_interpretation

old. and empty.

music today: R.E.M
http://youtu.be/b8H0xopW3wk
http://youtu.be/8FNfB6WfwM4

and Depeche Mode …http://youtu.be/QrtydD2u1N0

oh, how I miss R.E.M…. and maybe I also miss the Nineties … before everything in this world turned sour in 2001. …

Yes, I am „old“ and I feel like feeling young again.
Today I realized that I consider things that happened 9 or 10 years ago, as recent. Scary. Considering that I will be 52 in 10 years …. and following the same logic, 10 years from now is not that far away.

Every thing is ok right now, but somehow everything feels slightly wrong. Maybe because I have been battling a serious cold for the last days or maybe I have a cold because I don´t feel like taking on the world right now.
Since we´ve been back I have done one thing that felt good, and that was going to my weekly meditation last Friday. The only moment of mental quiet I have had and the only time I felt ok. And drinks later with Nicole was also good. and liberating.
Why is it that I feel „restrained“ all the time, never free, always to slow, to heavy, to fearful, to anxious, too …. and not enough … not enough money, not enough health, not enough …..

And now I feel like running from my art. As if all my inspiration is gone, all my enthusiasm for the project vanished. I know, somehow, that it will come back, and that it is a typical thing for me to flee when things come to close …. But feeling is exactly what I feel like, getting away from this, from family memories, from anything that has anything to do with „that“ past …
Maybe I am only simply Sad.

family tree ... the women

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matrilineality

How difficult it is to make a family tree by following the female line ! ....  To me those family trees that only follow male ancestors never made sense.
It was a woman who gave me life to me after all.

Here is what I have ... the women leading up to me, starting in 1739 ...we all have different names, names a man gave us. What would I be called if we all had gotten our mothers´names? I´ll never know.


Catherine Bingen born 1739 -  died 9.7.1809 in Bech-Kleinmacher
Susanna Thomes  born 16.4.1760 in Kleinmacher- died 17.3.1817 in Bech-Kleinmacher
Susanna Perdang born 18.11.1780 in Bech-Kleinmacher - died 2.3. 1842 n Bech-Kleinmacher
Susanna Gales born in Bech-Kleinmacher 23.2.1809 - died 15.9.1849 in Remich
Maria Bomb born in Remich 2.1.1841 - died 1913 in Trier
Marie Rhein born in Remich 12.8.1862 - died 27.5.1938 in Luxembourg
Marie Germaine Mathilde Berg born in Eich 24.09.1892 - died in 1977
Mathilde „Tilly“ Biwer born in Eich 17.6.1914 - died 1.4.2001
Marie Paulette Germaine Bernadette Nicole Neys born in Eich15.8.1938 - died in Luxembourg 3.4.1991
Anne Michele Marguerite Michaux born in Ettelbruck 13.10.1971 -


It´s ridiculous, but i don´t even know whether my grandmother had any siblings ....

ghost

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost