old. and empty.

music today: R.E.M
http://youtu.be/b8H0xopW3wk
http://youtu.be/8FNfB6WfwM4

and Depeche Mode …http://youtu.be/QrtydD2u1N0

oh, how I miss R.E.M…. and maybe I also miss the Nineties … before everything in this world turned sour in 2001. …

Yes, I am „old“ and I feel like feeling young again.
Today I realized that I consider things that happened 9 or 10 years ago, as recent. Scary. Considering that I will be 52 in 10 years …. and following the same logic, 10 years from now is not that far away.

Every thing is ok right now, but somehow everything feels slightly wrong. Maybe because I have been battling a serious cold for the last days or maybe I have a cold because I don´t feel like taking on the world right now.
Since we´ve been back I have done one thing that felt good, and that was going to my weekly meditation last Friday. The only moment of mental quiet I have had and the only time I felt ok. And drinks later with Nicole was also good. and liberating.
Why is it that I feel „restrained“ all the time, never free, always to slow, to heavy, to fearful, to anxious, too …. and not enough … not enough money, not enough health, not enough …..

And now I feel like running from my art. As if all my inspiration is gone, all my enthusiasm for the project vanished. I know, somehow, that it will come back, and that it is a typical thing for me to flee when things come to close …. But feeling is exactly what I feel like, getting away from this, from family memories, from anything that has anything to do with „that“ past …
Maybe I am only simply Sad.